Anyone watched pretty woman? You know the part where there is this conversation between Julia Roberts and Richard Gere where the talk reaches a point where this is said: "You and I are such similar creatures, Vivian. We both screw people for money". After about 10 years of working for organizations, "growing" and changing stuff, when you turn around to look at the value you created, and you see nothing, you feel like... well, I don't know what I feel like anymore, but one thing is for sure. Some of this has to change.
I am not talking about quitting here. I don't have the balls to do that. It's not the quitting that is difficult. It's actually doing something after you quit that is really difficult. It's the classic Hamlet, To Be Or Not To Be scenario. Its the To Do or Not To Do Scenario. Besides, I love my job and I am going to continue with it. But then, something else has to happen. An entirely different type of a problem that I solve. Something where I can take decisions without taking permission from a committee of people. Something where I can test my own limits and hopefully break them just a little bit every day. Something that can eventually let me connect to the hundred people I said I would connect to when I started out this blog.
I've started working on this thing for a few days now and I can tell you that it's difficult. Building software in the night when you are working for your organization twelve hours a day, is fucking HARD. At times my head is going round and round in circles. At times, you just want to sit there watching the stupid television show or browsing through a stupid porn video website. The hardest part about working during the nights where you have worked your ass the entire day, is not the work itself. It's opening your IDE and starting.
Once I start, things usually get better. Within hours I forget the issues, the pain, the confusion, the stupidity and the professionalism that surrounds me. I am slowly getting used to the idea of opening my IDE and starting. If I can only keep doing that for a few more days, I might have something that I can gift to two of the "bestest" of my friends.
I think I am slowly starting to understand why most people cannot start their own products or their own companies. Its because they like moping and crying. That, and they are scared of starting. I feel that fear almost every fucking night now when I force myself to open my IDE and write code. The idea is that if we keep repeating something, we get used to it and we don't feel scared of it anymore. That's EXCACTLY what I am hoping will happen with this "working during the night" thing.
I am slowly getting the hang of it. I am going to continue writing my experiences of building this product here. Not the product itself, but what goes through my head. My thoughts, my inspirations, my confusions, my progress and above all, my fears because this is what I am trying to overcome here.
Stay tuned nice people (and you too, stalkers!). I hope you learn something from these experiences, successes and setbacks as I write them down for my own sake and yours. If you have something to say, well, say it DAMIT because things are awfully quite in here.
If you don't have anything to say but you liked this post, shut up, keep reading and keep stalking this blog like a lurker that you are!
(Stupid Grin again.)
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