I'm someone who worries about small things and big things. Things which range from offending people to losing my cell phone. The idea of being able to "empty your mind of all thoughts" appeals to me on more than one levels. The idea is to keep quite and feel everything that goes on around you and try to shut up for a change. I've been trying it for a day in my real life and I'm learning a lot of things. Here's a quick list of things you learn on the very first day of your starting to shut up.
#1 The Act of Acceptance Of Your Mistakes.
When you say that you're going to be really calm in the mind and the heart you cannot be angry at folks for hurting you. It's like working out. You cannot say that I'm going to be working out and then continue to eat junk food. When you take the workout lifestyle you take up healthy and wholesome food as a part of the lifestyle. Forgiving is a part of the "empty your mind" life style. When you tell yourself that you're going to be totally calm and happy you cannot be carrying the heavy load of anger against everyone in your head. You cannot also be blowing up everything that happened to you out proportion. You have to take the hit, accept that everything that happened to you was really your problem and move on. Being calm is all about acceptance of your own mistakes and not blaming others for them. It's about shredding weight and freeing your mind and lets face it, the maximum space occupied in your head now a days is that of fear and anger. The act of accepting your own mistakes and making yourself responsible for them is the first step.
#2 The Act Of Forgiveness.
Without sounding too deep, here's the simple deal: The moment you accept that everything that happened was no one's fault you've released others from your brain making your brain much calmer and quieter. Next comes the act of forgiveness and the only person left to forgive now, is yourself, because there is no one else to forgive! Right? This of course is easier said than done because most people (me included) have a habit of beating themselves up and the act of forgiving yourself is probably the hardest in being calm in your heart and mind.
If I'm talking like someone who knows the stuff that he's talking about all I can say is I'm really sorry. I don't mean to remotely suggest that I know what I am talking about here. Come on guys (and gals) lets face it! I'm not the spiritual kind after all. I'm just a random nobody blogging his heart out hoping that some of the crap I poop out of this website ends up being read by someone else and ends up resonating with someone else. But here's the reality of things: It's hardly been one full day when I started shutting up and things are looking good for now.
Here's another funny thing: Nobody has noticed the change except the people who are really close to me. And that's a humbling experience because it tells you how unimportant and insignificant your thoughts and ideas are in this world. It also tells you how fucking insignificant you are. Once you get used to it the idea is not as bad as it sounds. At the very least it's reality so get used to it.
You get heard when you are yelling and screaming at the top of your voice but then the second you stop that metaphorical yelling and look around you realize that there aren't many people around to listen to what you had to say. In fact, there aren't many people around to notice that the metaphorical yelling just stopped; which makes you wonder what you were achieving by yelling in the first place.
I see people around me. Lots of them. People getting their jobs done. People talking to other people and people having conversations. People indulging and embarking on journey's which they truly believe are taking them somewhere. I'm not saying that I am going to renounce life. No way! Dream on stalker! But once in a while, it's OK to step back and look at it as an outsider and marvel at the whole way of life that you have been living all alone. It's so fucking chaotic and stupid at times that you feel like laughing and weeping at the same time.
One thing that I've told myself for the time being is that I am going to try and stop punishing myself for everything. I'm going to take day offs and have fun. I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try and stop feeling guilty about not churning out a finite set of functionality or code every other day. I'm going to stop running round and round in circles like an angry dog and I am going to take it slow. Of course there is a difference between taking it slow and giving up.
It's not happening. I'm not being able to explain my thoughts really well I guess, but it is an amazing feeling to have. I huge part of yesterday was scary. I was getting this bouts and urges to reach out to someone and start a conversation with every passing opportunity but I decided to shut up and watch. Be a listener for a while, without talking, without imposing myself on other, without offering my ideas when none were asked, without trying too hard, without being desperate, without judging. I'll be lying if I said I am not scared but I also feel really good and light and clear headed.
I don't know where this is going to go and if this is going to be a major change in my personality or if this is just a passing thing and I'll turn into the stupid little funny chatterbox that I otherwise was, but for now I'm shit scared for being quiet for sometime which is why I want to do it so badly. So there. You have it. Yoda is shutting up for a few days. But not online. Not on this blog. Not on my chat ID. Not on twitter. These are morphing into ways of using my fingers to talk to myself and I am starting to find myself returning more and more to this ID. Not when I am depressed but even when I need to think or talk or solve problems or have general conversations with some of my new online friends.
The pleasure of living a life without constantly worrying about what the other person is thinking about you. The pleasure of living a life without constantly and desperately trying to get confirmations for your existence. The pleasure of living a life without constantly punishing yourself for every day you wasted not doing anything. The pleasure of living a life where you are just you and where it's OK to make mistakes and it's OK to be quiet and it's OK to just be and.... not be continuously afraid.
It's terribly lonely in here. And to someone like me the quietness in my head is what freedom is to a convict. It's scary to say the least. That doesn't mean the convict has to keep punishing himself for a mistake he committed years ago. That doesn't mean he should never accept freedom. It just means that he needs to get over his stupid fears. I think I've had enough punishment and I've paid my dues and it's okay to forgive myself now and move on. I think it's OK to be quiet and clam and happy and helping in anyway I can be.
That was a terribly long dose of gibberish wasn't it? Maybe it was too deep for your stalker! Or maybe it was just to shallow. Who the hell knows. Who the hell cares. My fingers had a bad itch and I wrote here on this this blog post. At the end of the day, if you really think about it, it's my blog and I have the right to write here, don't I? Don't I? Eh? If you don't think so, go get your own life or your own blog! STALKER!
