I feel the urge to write again and here I am slamming my hands at keyboard all over again. I've been reading a lot lately and I've been seeing a lot of amazing inspirational movies.
One thing that I am starting to realize in particular is that I tend to open my mouth in the all wrong places and in all the wrong times. My desire to have conversations with people and to change them, which is in turn triggered by the part of my brain which wants to eventually wants to change the world, often lands me in deep shit.
I have this fear that if I don't constantly communicate with people I might find myself lonely and alone one fine morning. I wasn't designed to be lonely and alone and that thought is fucking scary. So I tend to reach out to random people in real life and try to start conversations with them which works really well when I am happy and lively but seems totally stupid and vulnerable to me I am angry or frustrated. That's when end up offending people.
I've been reading about some of these things. Trying to learn from how others might have solved this problem and I've been watching a few movies. I've also been making a few online friends slowly and steadily and I am nowhere close to the number of people I said I would get to know but I have a few people online with whom I can at-least have decent normal conversations when I have the urge to talk. Enough to bounce into at-lease one or two people every night and have an intellectual conversation when the rest of the real world is fast asleep.
I am starting to like these online conversations a lot. They allow me to vent out my fears and my frustrations and talk to people who do not know me at all on one level and who know me at slightly more personal level than the people who know me in real life on other levels, particularly when it comes to my fears and vulnerabilities.
When you are talking to people anonymously or blogging anonymously one thing you need to be particularly careful about is that anonymity does not give you a license to be rude or wild or evil or stupid. It just gives you some more room to be yourself without being judged instantly. That is what I have been using anonymity for and I am starting to realize that it is a really powerful tool because it is helping me relax and open up to people.
Yes I go under the handle Yoda which is slightly funny and slightly odd (actually, I would like you to think it's cute or sexy or something like that, but come on! you knows it's not. I knows it's not. We knows it's not.) That does not mean that the people who chat or interact with me online do not know me. On the other hand I would argue that in some aspects of life these people actually know me more than the people I talk to or interact with on a day to day basis.
I talk to them much more openly and I am much more relaxed about my vulnerabilities and my fears as a person because I am not scared of being judged. I am just as careful about maintaining my own common sense and my own integrity when I am talking with this ID as I am when I talk as a real person because I know that sooner or later I might end up disclosing the real person behind this ID at-least to the few people who are helping me rediscover who I am.
I'm trying to think what to write next which is a bad sign because this blog is a place where I just sit there, stare at the monitor and write my heart out. I don't want the internal editor in me controlling what every aspect of what goes here. I want this writing to be a reflection of my mind as I write.
I don't want to worry about the what-if-analysis of every sentence that comes out of my fucking mouth out here. This blog and the people I talk to online allow me to shut up in my real life and not go around without offending real people. What is really interesting is that I am also not offending a lot of people on Yahoo and more often than not when I am done having online conversations I actually feel better. You know, the way you feel after having a long intellectual conversation with someone you know in real life.
I would really like to talk about the people I've been talking to online. Maybe even link to their blogs and stuff but I am not sure if they would appreciate that so I'm just going to leave that part out of this post. I have no idea what I wanted to say through this post or what the structure of this post was but I guess the point I was trying to make was that, I have a very bad vulnerability which is the "need" to talk a lot in my real life. And that my online life, this blog and the people I talk to in yahoo have been helping me overcome that vulnerability.
If you are one of the people I talk to online, I have to Thank You for being there. Thank you for those long conversations. Thank you for your support. Thank you for all those advices that help me contemplate and reach to my own decisions and thoughts about life. Thank you for letting me overcome my vulnerabilities and my fears. Thank you for being there when I just feel like doing some random chatting because if you weren't around I would have done the random chatting with people in my real life and I would have probably ended up hurting them. Thanks for playing a part in helping me make peace with myself.
That, and of course all the stalking that you do. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY like being stalked. Heeh!Heeh! STALKER!
