Dreams of the truest form of friendships that can exist between human beings.
Dreams of special experiences and even more special moments.
Dreams of making a dent in the life of the people.
Dreams of few moments of genuine connections.
After seeing so many dreams for years there is something special I have learned and I am going to leave you and myself with a note: Don't just see dreams. Live them.
I've been trying to reply to some of the comments that have been left on this blog but I am not being able to because Google just won't let me. I'll respond to them as soon as I am able to, but I wanted to thank everyone for leaving their comments. Thank you. The very reason why I started this blog was because I wanted to connect to other human beings and form connections that would transform me forever. This blog and this online existence has already given me more than most people can ask for by hiding behind the name of a Jedi Master.
I've found a couple of really good friends through this ID. I've found people I can talk to. People I have formed deep connections with. For everyone who has left a comment in this blog because a post here touched them, here is a big fat thank you. For everyone who has allowed me to touch their lives and become a friend through this online existence, here is an even bigger fatter thank you.
I've always seen myself as an artist. In the code I write, in everything I say, in everything I do and in everything I am, I crave art and the deal with art is that art thrives on intricate balance on external validation and intrinsic motivation. There is no dearth of Intrinsic motivation as far as my writing is concerned and every time I am down or low the Artistic Neuron I talked about, decides to peek it's head out of nowhere and starts fucking up with my head. Ahem... so.... anyways.... as I was saying..... I love the fact that the artistic neuron nudges me to write and then every time I move away from this blog and tell myself I will stop writing some stalker from somewhere shows up and drops a comment which pushes me to write even more.
Nothing in life happens as fast or as slow as we want it to happen. When I started this blog I was hoping that I will bump into a hundred REALLY interesting people and become close friends with them. I was hoping that I would overcome all of my fears using this blog as a tool and then I would grow as a human being. I've barely bumped into a couple of people so far but then funny thing about life is that as it unfolds you realize that what it has in store for you, is actually what you were really looking for. A comment here on this blog makes my day, a twitter response from someone I have touched through this blog makes me day, a SMS message from a friend that I bumped into through this blog is a validation that normal, sane, interesting, good human beings still exist on this planet.
Thank you for everything you stalkers! I REALLY LIKE every single one of you. Keep Stalking! Oh and yes, I WILL respond to those comments as soon as Google lets me.
Honestly it was a perfectly normal argument but this person used words like "Yeah, Right" about ten times in the conversation and was constantly passing signals of a strange superiority complex. You know signals like rolling of eyes, tapping of hands on the table and other strange signals which tell you that the person is there but not quite really there. It is a strange form of communication where you cannot point your finger on anything in particular but the person is almost telling you directly that you need to give up and surrender to the attacks of insults.
I've always held a sense of pride in saying that I don't usually go ahead and end friendships. What that means is that I'll go out of my way to make a friendship (or for that matter any other form of relationship) work but life has taught me that there is a difference between going an extra mile to make a friendship or a relationship work and losing your self respect to make it work. While the earlier option almost always works the later one almost never does.
Which is why every time I sense contempt in a relationship (be it friendship or just acquaintanceship) I am very scared. I can deal with difference of opinion. I can deal with arguments. I can even deal with fights but show me a person who has lost the basic sense of respect for you and I'll show you a person you should not be friends with. So let this be the first time when I went ahead and stopped discussions with a person who could have come borderline close to being a friend. Because friendship at the price of self respect isn't usually worth it because then you just keep paying and you just keep hoping that some day things might materialize into a meaningful friendship and it almost never does.
I've been working on making happiness a way of life for sometime now. I'm not going to come out and claim that my life has changed dramatically since I started doing that but what I will tell you is that once you do not allow yourself the permission to bitch and cry and moan and whine about problems pretty much the only thing you are left to doing is getting your butt off the couch and working at the problem.
Actively practicing happiness doesn't have anything to do with meditation or those self help programs where they teach to laugh like an idiot even when you are unhappy. Practicing active happiness is just about not allowing yourself to cry or bitch or moan or whine at the first given opportunity. It is a way of life where you tell yourself that you're going to actively work on fixing problems and not whine about them.
Of course you break away from this practice more and more when you start but then as you continue living up with this mindset you get better and better at it. The key here is not to try to master and learn this up as a self help tool which is going to change your life but adapt it as a gradual lifestyle where you learn happiness over a period of time.
All of us live with "IFs" and "Buts" and that is just fine. If I have a really close friend who would speak to me when I most wanted to talk to someone I would fight every battle and win it and I don't do that right now and I am whining right now because I don't have that friend. Yeah. Right. The key with actively practicing happiness is realizing the stupidity in that thought process. Of course having good friends around in the times of trouble helps but not having them around is not the sole reason for your failure. Your whining is in fact probably the primary reason for your failures. If you need constant support from friends and social circles find them and have the balls to approach them to seek help. Don't cry about not having them around.
This of course is just one example of how easy it is for people to bitch and whine about everything and blame external factors for everything, but scientists who have been studying happiness have been recently coming out with studies which basically says that happiness is a state of mind that is within and may not have as much to do with extrinsic factors as we think it does. So here's a little assignment for you today. Stop crying. Just make an active effort at it. Of course you will forget that you are making this effort once in a while and you will start whining but then when you remember just stop and start over. Do this for a few days and you might start seeing the change in your thought process and in your over all way of looking at things.
Let me know how it goes. I would love to hear from you.
I'm someone who worries about small things and big things. Things which range from offending people to losing my cell phone. The idea of being able to "empty your mind of all thoughts" appeals to me on more than one levels. The idea is to keep quite and feel everything that goes on around you and try to shut up for a change. I've been trying it for a day in my real life and I'm learning a lot of things. Here's a quick list of things you learn on the very first day of your starting to shut up.
#1 The Act of Acceptance Of Your Mistakes.
When you say that you're going to be really calm in the mind and the heart you cannot be angry at folks for hurting you. It's like working out. You cannot say that I'm going to be working out and then continue to eat junk food. When you take the workout lifestyle you take up healthy and wholesome food as a part of the lifestyle. Forgiving is a part of the "empty your mind" life style. When you tell yourself that you're going to be totally calm and happy you cannot be carrying the heavy load of anger against everyone in your head. You cannot also be blowing up everything that happened to you out proportion. You have to take the hit, accept that everything that happened to you was really your problem and move on. Being calm is all about acceptance of your own mistakes and not blaming others for them. It's about shredding weight and freeing your mind and lets face it, the maximum space occupied in your head now a days is that of fear and anger. The act of accepting your own mistakes and making yourself responsible for them is the first step.
#2 The Act Of Forgiveness.
Without sounding too deep, here's the simple deal: The moment you accept that everything that happened was no one's fault you've released others from your brain making your brain much calmer and quieter. Next comes the act of forgiveness and the only person left to forgive now, is yourself, because there is no one else to forgive! Right? This of course is easier said than done because most people (me included) have a habit of beating themselves up and the act of forgiving yourself is probably the hardest in being calm in your heart and mind.
If I'm talking like someone who knows the stuff that he's talking about all I can say is I'm really sorry. I don't mean to remotely suggest that I know what I am talking about here. Come on guys (and gals) lets face it! I'm not the spiritual kind after all. I'm just a random nobody blogging his heart out hoping that some of the crap I poop out of this website ends up being read by someone else and ends up resonating with someone else. But here's the reality of things: It's hardly been one full day when I started shutting up and things are looking good for now.
Here's another funny thing: Nobody has noticed the change except the people who are really close to me. And that's a humbling experience because it tells you how unimportant and insignificant your thoughts and ideas are in this world. It also tells you how fucking insignificant you are. Once you get used to it the idea is not as bad as it sounds. At the very least it's reality so get used to it.
You get heard when you are yelling and screaming at the top of your voice but then the second you stop that metaphorical yelling and look around you realize that there aren't many people around to listen to what you had to say. In fact, there aren't many people around to notice that the metaphorical yelling just stopped; which makes you wonder what you were achieving by yelling in the first place.
I see people around me. Lots of them. People getting their jobs done. People talking to other people and people having conversations. People indulging and embarking on journey's which they truly believe are taking them somewhere. I'm not saying that I am going to renounce life. No way! Dream on stalker! But once in a while, it's OK to step back and look at it as an outsider and marvel at the whole way of life that you have been living all alone. It's so fucking chaotic and stupid at times that you feel like laughing and weeping at the same time.
One thing that I've told myself for the time being is that I am going to try and stop punishing myself for everything. I'm going to take day offs and have fun. I'm going to take it easy. I'm going to try and stop feeling guilty about not churning out a finite set of functionality or code every other day. I'm going to stop running round and round in circles like an angry dog and I am going to take it slow. Of course there is a difference between taking it slow and giving up.
It's not happening. I'm not being able to explain my thoughts really well I guess, but it is an amazing feeling to have. I huge part of yesterday was scary. I was getting this bouts and urges to reach out to someone and start a conversation with every passing opportunity but I decided to shut up and watch. Be a listener for a while, without talking, without imposing myself on other, without offering my ideas when none were asked, without trying too hard, without being desperate, without judging. I'll be lying if I said I am not scared but I also feel really good and light and clear headed.
I don't know where this is going to go and if this is going to be a major change in my personality or if this is just a passing thing and I'll turn into the stupid little funny chatterbox that I otherwise was, but for now I'm shit scared for being quiet for sometime which is why I want to do it so badly. So there. You have it. Yoda is shutting up for a few days. But not online. Not on this blog. Not on my chat ID. Not on twitter. These are morphing into ways of using my fingers to talk to myself and I am starting to find myself returning more and more to this ID. Not when I am depressed but even when I need to think or talk or solve problems or have general conversations with some of my new online friends.
The pleasure of living a life without constantly worrying about what the other person is thinking about you. The pleasure of living a life without constantly and desperately trying to get confirmations for your existence. The pleasure of living a life without constantly punishing yourself for every day you wasted not doing anything. The pleasure of living a life where you are just you and where it's OK to make mistakes and it's OK to be quiet and it's OK to just be and.... not be continuously afraid.
It's terribly lonely in here. And to someone like me the quietness in my head is what freedom is to a convict. It's scary to say the least. That doesn't mean the convict has to keep punishing himself for a mistake he committed years ago. That doesn't mean he should never accept freedom. It just means that he needs to get over his stupid fears. I think I've had enough punishment and I've paid my dues and it's okay to forgive myself now and move on. I think it's OK to be quiet and clam and happy and helping in anyway I can be.
That was a terribly long dose of gibberish wasn't it? Maybe it was too deep for your stalker! Or maybe it was just to shallow. Who the hell knows. Who the hell cares. My fingers had a bad itch and I wrote here on this this blog post. At the end of the day, if you really think about it, it's my blog and I have the right to write here, don't I? Don't I? Eh? If you don't think so, go get your own life or your own blog! STALKER!
